Lent

I hate Lent.  There, I said it.  It is one of the more important seasons in my church's calendar and I can't stand it.  It isn't that I don't like it very much.  That would be easy.  I DREAD it (and I meant to use all caps).  Maybe this dates back to my childhood, when I would inevitably pick a penance that I was doomed to fail and I would spend the next 40 days berating myself for being human.  I hated the thought of giving something up and I always gave up sweets and chocolate.  For those of you that know me at ALL know that I was destined to fail right away.  I always figured Jesus was disappointed.  "I gave up my life for you and you can't give up chocolate?" (Yes, that is the conversation I imagined having.)

As I got older I decided Jesus wanted me to do something nice instead of being a grouse about giving something up.  That would surely buy me a ticket to heaven and win peace at Easter.  Well, I still always felt like I should be giving up candy!  Yes, I have sweets on the brain and I really like dessert.  It never seemed good enough without giving up sweets.

Don't get me started on Ash Wednesday, either.  I start getting hungry on the Sunday before in anticipation for starving myself on Wednesday.  I can handle Good Friday because...well, it is the day he died.  Can't complain about lack of food on that day.  Also, that means Lent is almost over.  But Ash Wednesday feels black and ominous and it means the suffering for 40 days is about to begin.

Well, my son had a grand idea this year for Lent.  I try not to impart my neuroses on my children.  He joked that he wanted to give up chores this Lent.  Wouldn't that be awesome!  Well, we all had a good laugh and I told him "NO" and he went on to choose a different penance for Lent.  However, that conversation didn't leave me.  What if we could give up chores for Lent?!  That would be great.  Then I began to realize that a chore is only a chore if you look at it that way.  Doing laundry is a chore until I realize that I am taking care to clean the clothes of my children.  Cooking and cleaning are chores until I realize I am showing my love for my family by taking care of them and providing them with a clean home and a good meal.  Maybe I can give up chores this Lent.  Maybe I can look at all the mundane and the required activities as a way to show my love and not as a chore.  Maybe I can say a prayer for those I am doing the jobs for so I have an added closeness with God while doing them.  I think this Lent I WILL try to give up chores.  I will try to give up complaining and whining (even if the whining is just in my head.  God doesn't want to hear that either.). I will try to do for others with a cheerful heart and a longing to help my fellow man and woman.  Cheerful in the same sentence with Lent seems wrong, but I might be able to reexamine how I look at this holy season.  I hope that, then, by Easter, I will have had a true conversion of my heart and will be closer to God and humankind.  Maybe, if I am kind to myself and I forgive my mistakes and shortcomings along the way, I might be closer to myself, as well.  I am not 100% convinced that Jesus is not looking for me to give up chocolate, but changing my attitude seems a big enough task without making it impossible without chocolate.  So...here is to another Lent, may we all grow closer to God, Jesus and each other.

Happiness?

                What is happiness?  The other day I had lunch with a good friend and she looked me in the eye and asked if I was happy.  This question caught me off guard.  I am used to being asked how I am doing.  Are things going well for me?  But asked whether I was happy or not really threw me off.  We had just spent the last hour and a half talking, as good friends do, about our fears for our kids, about worries about money, about finding our place in the world, and then I am asked if I am happy.  What is happy?  That is what stumped me.

                If you ask me happiness I can give you snapshots in time.  I am happy when the kids are getting along.  I am happy when I am being productive.  I am happy when I get through having a fulfilling day.  I am not, however, happy when I have to harp on my kids.  I am not happy when I feel like I am hitting snag after snag when trying to accomplish something.  I am not happy when I hear awful news and I know there is nothing I can do to make the problem better.   So, is happiness a series of snapshots?  Is happiness when you compile the happy and sad moments and find that happy wins out?

                Is happiness knowing that you have enough to eat, security in a job and are able to buy some of the luxuries your kids want?  Is happiness not even about money?  I do think happiness and money are two totally different things, but worrying about money and how things are going to be paid for does affect peace and, therefore, happiness.  Is happiness being secure in your decisions?  I am one of the least secure individuals when it comes to decisions about and for my kids.  I second guess myself about what I am doing and is it right for them, so does that make me unhappy?  Is happiness when you are at a point in life that you were working to achieve?  I did not really plan on being here at this point in life, but then again I didn't plan on being anywhere.  Does that make it a wash?  Is happiness a feeling or do you achieve it? 

                Some people say happiness is a state of mind and a conscious decision that must be made every day.  I don't know if that is really happiness or just choosing to be happy and positive.  To me these are different concepts.  Happiness to me is a compilation of peace and security and fulfillment.  However, I don't know if I can answer the happiness question.  Today, right now, I am happy.  I might not be happy in an hour, or maybe this feeling will last all day.  Really, I don't think I will spend much time thinking of my happiness, or I will begin to feel somehow unfulfilled and therefore unhappy.  I am going to continue to get through each day by facing the tasks at hand.  I feel less overwhelmed when I take one day at a time.  I am going to try to remember to take it easy on the people I love when I get stressed or frustrated.  I am going to try to make the world a little better place because I was here.  Sometimes I will work to undo the damage I may have inflicted when I wasn't able to catch myself.  I will find joy in the accomplishments of my kids and work to ease the pain and unhappiness they come across.  I will also take it a little easy on myself and not question whether I have reached the point I was supposed to have reached by this stage of my life.  Am I happy?  Good question.  One thing I can say is that I wouldn't trade my life (and, therefore, my past decisions) for anything.  God blessed me more than I deserve and I will work every day to use these blessings and take care of these blessings. 

                And for those of you that I wished happiness for 2013...Sorry.  I guess that is a very tall order to wish on someone that can leave a person feeling let down.  I do wish that there are more happy moments than sad.  I also wish that you may have many blessings and are able to see the blessings for what they are.  I do pray for peace to grace each life so they happy moments are more noticeable.  Have a peace filled year.